head strong......x

These are from a friend of mine who writes poetry and MC's .............Food For Thought........


The more you talk about it the less it actually happens, if you want something make a path for


 it to possibly come into action otherwise you only have yourself to blame when your not 


where you wish to be.


Single me in a Double Bed......x

Confessions, confusion, delusion

Temptation, tempting, refusing

Fighting, anger, illusion

Reality, tragedy, you + me

I'm waiting

Wanting, lusting, frustration

Dreams, explore, not knowing.

I want to but my heart is in a battle with my mind- thoughts run deep so to speak. Imagine the unthinkable. Alica keys You got the key, I've got the door explore with me. Eruption of romance, take your stance I hearing you hunny and I felt the rhythm when we danced. I saved the last 1 for you. I wish 2 speak but I stutter, kings speech. Start to shake & my knees fall weak. Not quite the climax, not sure if you can relate to what I'm feeling, so I flow with the time. Floetry to poetry. Writing my mind because my soul is entwined. Sarga. But its far from a Twilight. Night moon our shadows.

Consider my fello- for you've captured my attention. Screen munch.

You call. I Answer. Conversation, if only you could see my smile through the phone line. But your busy much. So I. Sms. Click send text. Hoping you will reply for I don't see why you can't see I, the way I see you. More than friends. Drizzy drake, I feel to take the risk, hit it in the morning, j cole on replay. but its a dizzy mistake.

I know we friends.

Right from chandler to monica from ross to rachel, phoebe 2 joey but I just want to know how you doing?

Lusting or loving, questioning.

iwake its you I find I sleep & you occupy my mind. I dream.

I dream

I dream

Its a dream

Before its too late...

Alarm bell rings.

Single me in a double bed

And it starts all over again

And the courage to say it all goes away.

And I Sigh

huh?

So what do you do when you live two separate lives.....you get on with one you live it, speak to family &friends in the other one. but they hardly cross....... Then you come home tell everyone everything that's been going on the good and the bad.....Then you see someone, you laugh and chat for just a few minutes. The person you have always pushed to the back of your head because if you don't it will drive you crazy and when you are not here you don't have to ponder on it.....Friends that's were it start and ends...... but not were my feeling end.....men seem to be at the for-front of my life at the moment....its odd.....they have never played a part before.

I don't really know why i am writing this x

Everything happens for a reason........x

Okay, so i had coffee with my Mum today and we had a lovely chat and wander round town - (I naughty bought some new boots! For Christmas even though i currently can't afford them! ).
But we talked about something i had been going through at Uni (you maybe have read my posts Wave of emotions 1&2-these have been deleted now due to me not wanting them being in my life....) and i was expect an i told you so or something but i didn't. I got a you did whats right, but also we discussed a topic i never thought i would talk to her about (i am sure you can all get what i mean!!) and i realized her views weren't as narrow minded as i thought! She really surprised me....in a good way. We aren't of a relationship where i really discuss my love life, maybe one day we will. But i tend to keep that to myself with my family. I like to go out with my mum because i sometimes feel that she feels' left out as I am my father daughter. We are close, but i would never discuss love with him either. But i have come to the conclusion that the events of this term happened so i could raise a top pick with my parent as see where they stood. Good things can come out of hard times.............just remember that people!

x

My new love, world apart.....x

Jar of Hearts By Christina Perri has been my favorite song since September until i properly listened to the words but i am now sat listening to her album lovestrong. its beautiful. You know when you find am album you could listen to and there isn't any bad songs. You just press play, then shuffle and let it do its thing.....it doesn't happen to me very often. So she is my new love! The music that is not her :) !!

I have been home from Uni for 2 days and today i went back to work. And its been lovely but rather odd as well. I can't seem to put my finger on the reason why. I feel like i live 2 different lives. They have no collision, neither recognizes the other, they are stranger to one and other. So who does that make me.....two different people, two different homes, two me's. I don't know. So much happens in my Uni life, but then i come home and feeling and emotions I thought i had buried appear........I feel like this is my trial. I thought my trial would be with the course and being happy with the chosen path of a career and leaving home but instead it seems to be the trail is about me. My personal life, finding out more about who i am. I thought i found who i was when i went to South Africa & i did. But i suppose i never realized we are constantly discovering who we are and what we are meet for. I hate to admit to anyone that i struggle. But with this i am, my insecurities are surfacing, who i am, who i want, when i am supposed to know when to let my heart talk or my head.....

But life could be so much worse, so what do i have to complain about. I haven't just lost my home in a Tornado, my family member to a tragic accident, been caught up in riots, live in a war zone. No so sometimes we pick up and carry on......cause thats what i do. Below are some images from The 45 most powerful images of 2011 they show me i have so much to be grateful for.....

This man lost his son in 9/11he kneels at the memorial where he name is engraved.

A solider Hi fives a child in Afghanistan.......for a moment two countries collide x






This man lost his home in a tornado..........

                                  These chritstians are protecting muslims during prayer........the way the world should be.







Night x

Ten Years Since

'Tis Ten Year Since
I saw her on the stairs, Heard her in house-affairs,
And listened to her cares;
And the trees are ten feet taller,
And the sunny spaces smaller
Whose bloomage would enthrall her;
And the piano wires are rustier,
The smell of bindings mustier,
And lofts and lumber dustier
Than when, with casual look
And ear, light note I took
Of what shut like a book
Those ten years since!

This is a poem i love by Thomas Hardy who died in 1928.....a great poet. So make of it what you will.

I have been looking at old photos on my laptop and want to share this with you......its my brother about 4/5

years ago on holiday in Furtventura. It just made me realize that we are so small on this earth, from space we must look like specs of dust. But those specs or dust can change the world alone or together. They need to take the good with the bad, Take all the chances they can but let others have chances too. I have been looking at old photos and I remember all of them but can't believe i am where i am now......i didn't know where i'd end up at 14, but you know when you get that feeling that this is right and don't question your reason for being here...... that's what i feel right now. No regrets; and that's more than i could have ever asked for. Especially as this time last year i was pursuing become an actress!
I am going home today for the Holidays, can't wait to see my parents and friends at home! x

Look at the sky...........x

Look at the sky and this comes up in Google.......Funny how its Sunflowers and i did a post recently about them. Odd! So today i was walking back from the station and the moon was burning off the clouds around it, it looked sooo peaceful....continuously i wonder & ask what is up there. Is God seated in the clouds, i believe in Heaven but where is it..... i don't see pearly gates or a big throne. But i do see a Judgement day a heart to heart from the Man up stairs. But i don;'t see Hell, and don't think i ever will, i believe that everyone was supposed to be forgiven whether it be on the earth or in Heaven.

The sky for he also holds the people close to me whom i don't see anymore because they have passed. The two people i think about a lot are my Grandfathers, one of whom i never met. I wonder what he was like, if he would like me, am i like him or is my brother. Are they proud of me? I wish i had been able to get to know them as Men but sometimes we can't and that life. A baby i new that died in South Africa called MA watches sometimes, i wish i sometimes could swap places with her because she never got a chance at life and i know she could have been great......but God had different plans that we must deal with in our own ways. .... The sky holds so much wonder like it holds the destiny and if you look hard enough you'll drive yourself mad!! We don't know what the future holds but i know who holds my future. I hate not knowing if i am going to get the dreams i want like marriage, children, adopted & mine, a career......and much more. But life's about the process not the end goal, the journey is the most important.

x

Its the most wonderful time of the year.....x

So today has been an lovely and amazing day after a hard one yesterday :) Today i did aerobics to Christmas Music! Got my BSA uni hoodie and money back cause they cost less! Met a lovely old man on the train and he was relly friendly and sweet....Then wrapped presents, napped, and had a Christmas meal with 3 close friends here with gifts and crackers and just yummyness.....Sometimes its nice to forget the stresses of life, and just be grateful for what is right in front of our faces.

There was a moment today when i just took in the sweetness of life and as i looked over to my laptop playing Christmas songs my moving screensaver was of M, a little baby i met in South Africa who has HIV. As i looked at her i remembered that a 2 years ago i was looking after her and so many others who don't have half the things i have, how different that Christmas was. CRAZY seeing how life changes us. Not a day goes without those children in my mind and how thankful i am they showed me to where i am now.

X

Your not Perfect.....Yes you are x

The last two days have been pretty hardcore for me at Uni (compared to my three day weekend!) we had two assessments today so a lot of nerves and strain was taken by that and i have only just got home so am going to be pretty sleep deprived come aerobics at Uni tomorrow morning....but never the less there is good news..........ITS UNI HOLIDAY FROM THURSDAY NIGHT! yesss mate! Can't wait i am going to the German Market with the folks then taking them to see my Drama School Musical before the car journey back South. I need a break, i love my new friends here and the course most of the time but I just need to go back to my roots for a few weeks. To see my friends i have missed catch up, spend time at home with the family curled up in front of the fire with a roast cooking in the oven. Also earning some cash at work, being back at the theatre i work in for Christmas will be special as it holds so many memories and i hold the place so dear and close to my heart......i am sure i will explain one day.

Anyways the title of this blog is Your not perfect.....yes you are. Today in one of the Theatre pieces some one said 'Your not Perfect' (its was about self image) all of us feel this at some point in our lives, we are only human. But i am here to say you are. God made us and  in his eyes we are PERFECT. I might have faults, down falls, bad days, hard times but that doesn't make me in-perfect. I constantly see people and go if you had  a gf or bf they should be this, this and this in looks......how awful is that. I see myself as not good enough for some people,  not worthy, this is wrong we are all worthy of someones love. That beggar you pass on the way to work every day, they deserve love. The girl that's waited her whole teenage life for her fairy tale man  but had it crushed deserves to be love right.....

Cling to your imperfections there what make you unique.....

x

A Satellite Dish For Sunshine.....x

Today I got into a talk about tattoos with some friends of mine. They talked about wanting a lock and key one each i think its because they fit together and well you get the metaphorical meaning. Also they saw it on someone else and it looked nice! 


Always a plus! For a while now I have always loved sunflowers. They have been my favorite flower for as long i can remember. They are what my Mum buys me for my birthday or to cheer me up or a special occasion like passing exams. They are the flower i want at my wedding with a blue theme along side. The reason i love them so much is for what they mean to me. They are named after the Sun because of there brightness and how big the heads get.....but they also follow the movements of the sun throughout the day. There is a beautiful quote from the movie Calender Girls (2003) which is stunning.....


 I don't think there's anything on this planet that more trumpets life that the sunflower. For me that's because of the reason behind its name. Not because it looks like the sun but because it follows the sun. During the course of the day, the head tracks the journey of the sun across the sky. A satellite dish for sunshine. Wherever light is, no matter how weak, these flowers will find it. And that's such an admirable thing. And such a lesson in life.


and lets be honest I think there amazing to look at; especially fields of them. They for me embrace life. They follow the pattern of the sun i see everyday, the sun F sees, the sun i live my life under striving to do and be the best i can in this life i have been given by God. Even when there is little light, it may take time to find but we will find it......we always do..


So this leads me back to tattoos, it maybe months, probably years till i find the courage (and the acceptance of the parents!!) to have it done but i have always wanted one of a black and white sketched Sunflower for the reasons stated above. I have attached some designs i like too. 


If and when i go back to South Africa on a more permanent basis (i am sure i will explain this one day soon) i will want one to remind me of the time their previously and being their then. But i have many ideas for that one if and when the occasion arises!
I have a lovely American friend T.H who i met on my gap year in SA who has some awesome tattoos..I have added a photo of her with the words "Nkosi Sikelel' iAfrika" which means Lord Bless Africa......Beautiful right.....?


So maybe one day i'll be posting mine....




x

World AIDs Day 2011

Today was a day to Celebrate, Educate & Commemorate the HIV virus. I spent the day with fellow CATS from BSA doing a flash mob of songs like Pack up By Eliza Dolittle & Lean on me. Such a crazy long day but i really felt like 'Wow' this is why i am here and not training as an actor.....i need people to see the world around us, where we live, how one person can make a difference. A friend said that it was amazing that one day we could be getting paid like our course leader to co-ordinate and devise work for important events like today......WOW!

Today also had another side to it from me because of F. I spoke about F below in my first blog. HIV positive child but now thanks to ARV drugs can live a normal healthy life which is defintley the most important thing. That his life is safe. Especially to me. I am not afraid to say that I have only been in love once and that was with F....this baby boy of 3 taught me so much about life and love. I have never loved anyone non blood related before i met him. So today for me was also a chance to reflect on how much my Gap Year in South Africa taught me about life, it led me to this Uni course for which i am eternally grateful. I miss it everyday and not a day goes by when i don't think about F or the place....and it saddens me greatly that i can't watch him grow up. There are two things i often think of when i am down....


One is that F will always be loved there and even though he will never remember me; he will remember being loved and i was part of that love. 


Secondarily I wrote a letter to myself before I left my life their and as i watched the sun go down i remembered 


'We maybe miles apart but as u watch the sunset on your home, a land of hope and joy, i take comfort in that i see the same Sun from my land and we will always share that. Forever'




x

You Are Good x

Today as i was walking to the station i realized something. There is one person i haven't spoken to about any of the situations i am in at the moment and the life choices and decisions i am making. GOD. If you'd have meet me 4 years ago He would be the first person i would turn to....not the last. But we change we grow, Gods is always in my heart just not at the forefront and sometimes we need waking to that fact. Talking to Him gives me so much comfort. And when i see my life i always think of this.......


'Although I don't know what the future holds, I know who holds my future.' Deuteronomy 1:29-30 


I am trying a new church on Sunday before I leave for home for the holidays, seems odd i know but i feel that right now God is saying Go, see me with others. Don't see hard times as a full stop but simply a comma. I decided how the rest of my sentence will run. 


Listening to itunes on shuffle (i am such a musical theatre geek i tell you!) and Kelly Clarksons 'You Found Me' has just come on.....


'You found me when no one else was looking' When i first became a Christian this is how i felt. I know i am different and changed now within my personality but my beliefs are still the same even if sometimes I dont show it 


x

Wise Words from a Wise Women......x

'In what ever you chose, chose with your heart, your will. Not because you are


told. Never be sorry, no regrets, live with your heart and how can any choice 


than be the wrong one if taken by your heart (and a little bit of mind).'


I once read 'What is easy isn't always right and what is right isn't always easy.' 


If this is your life ......... my life it wasn't meant to be easy. If it was what would become of the world, of our being. Would we a be content and happy? 


Would we never strive for anything therefore not making the great discoveries and journeys our world has been on.......maybe, maybe not. 


What i do know is that each person we meet, each word we speak, each breath we take, each step we take effects us. We are meant to strive, to fail, to achieve, to struggle, feel week, feel alone. Because one day you might look back and see you have moved on from feeling one of these things but it was the journey that helped more than ever. We will always battle within ourselves after all we are only human. 

 x

Christmas has arrived!

So Christmas arrived a while ago in Birmingham but i refused to indulge in it seen as it was the beginning of November...... but December will be upon us in a few short days so i felt the need to start to allow the festive spirit to slowly enter my blood stream! I spent a weekend with a friend and went around the winter wonderland and i hit John Lewis for some shopping and it was lovely. Busy, hectic but i always like shopping for others (even though i am uba bad at it!) as i like seeing there guessing faces on Christmas Day and i know my mum will love her present this year. There are so many good websites that i love flicking through to find good ideas or gifts from but this one i really like www.notonthehighstreet.com Does what it says on the tin really!
This weekend i also saw my God Daughter and watched the Panto with her and her family and it has to be the best way to watch an interactive show! She and her siblings were lit up constantly joining in booing and clapping. They are so amazing, Theatre is so amazing that it can do that. At such a young age.

Spread the Joy this week, sometimes when we look hard and close we realize we have a lot more to be thankful of than we thought we did.

x

Fear Habits......

Fear. Its an odd word. What do you fear most in the world some asks? Well the depends on whether you mean literally or emotionally or many other llys. I used to hate the dark when i was a child. The landing light was always on and my door ajar. I used to fear bullies at school or not fitting in somewhere. When i moved at the age of 16 i feared rejection by my peers but also feared rejection by the people i had moved away from. I think its safe to say that many women fear they'll never fall in love and get blissful married. I made a list once and ever now and again i look and ponder add and take away. But when i look back i see that some dreams that i was scared of not achieving have been achieve in a totally different way or maybe the dreams changed. Because i have.

One  of my biggest dreams from being young was for my family to see me be professionally paid on London's West End. For the time being my dream has altered although this would be great i have more passion than ever to facilitate create work with and for people who cant access that 'West End' so many aspire to be on.

I love this view, I took this photo in 2008 with my new camera then. IT looks so calm. I like calm x

My Head......x

Done. I stopped seeing him. Head hurts, pride hurts, want to cry with hurt but can't seem to find tears........

Close chapter. Time to write a new one. New Chapter

Photos xxxx

Some pictures i wanted to share............. This is Me, Marieke, Linda & Tricia. They were my nearest and dearest during my gap year adventures in South Africa. We were bored one night to took lots of funny photos. I miss them lots xx This is a photo of a Bench in South Africa, i used to run past this every so often or take the kids for walks to play. But mostly we used it to reflect on life or happenings. To talk to God. I feel its a place where i enjoyed the simpleness of life in Africa. The easy loving ways we lived by xx

A Night Has A Thousand Eyes

I found this poem when doing some research for Dance Theatre and i want to record it so i can use it again for something one day ENJOY x

A Night Has A Thousand Eyes
And The Days But One;
Yet The Light Of The Bright World Dies
With The Dying Of The Sun.

The Mind Has A Thousand Eyes,
And The Heart But One;
Yet The Light Of The Whole Life Dies,
When Love Is Done.

Francis William Bourdillion

Through my eyes x

Today i realized that Drama School is going to be where i meet some of the most amazing people who will be in my life for what i hope is a LONG time. I have only known people 9 weeks and i feeling like i have known them a lifetime. You spend so much time together they know things about me and my life and family that i wouldn't tell some people ever. One person in particular has mad me realize how closed off my life was before Uni. Not in a bad way and especially NOTHING to do with my friends at Home. But more to do with growing up when it    comes to relationships and love. I think i have fairy tales running around my head and am now coming to terms with the fact that they aren't realistic or true. We can have fairy tales but they happen and we realize them then; we cant manufacture them because we will be constantly disappointed.

x

Hello! 2 Beautiful People

Hello

Well this is my first entry and more of many i hope! I want to try and blog my 3 years at Uni for the time being. I don't want to write a diary or log of my days. I am not going to let my heart spill onto the page straight away or unearth any interesting secrets!So i think i'll start with what mean most to me..... I want to introduce you to two of the most BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE in my life.

This is my God Daughter for this purpose lets call her L.A. She is beautiful, happy, smart, clever, playful, cheeky, a loving girl. Everything a child should be. I became a God Mother when i was still in my late Teen years and can honestly say it was the biggest honor and privileged i have been asked to do. To be a calling point & guardian for someones child who is there most precious gift is phenomenal. Although i don't see her as much as i would like too, she is always in my mind and i want her to grow up knowing i am here always. I know one day we'll be very close.

This is a boy i met on a gap year in South Africa. Lets call him F. He is an HIV positive child and an orphan. But underneath that brash statement i just made is a little boy who makes my heart sing with happiness! I new him for the short time of 5 months but that was long enough to fall in love with him. I have never had a serious relationship OR fallen in love. But i can certainly say that i know how to love because i loved every inch of F. Not a day goes by when i am not racked with guilt for leaving and going back to my 'normal' life. But i am here because of the experiences i had and my love for him. And i know that know one can take that from me.

Which leads me to close on this

'Experience Comes By Persevering Through Life's Encounters. It Is A Valuable Asset. Every Addition To It Enhances Your Life.'

x