Being Alive.....x

I feel dead inside, i feel lifeless.

unwanted, single person in a double bed.

Not belonging self doubt unloved,

empty,

empty space empty heart just beats away in an empty body.

And i know i only have myself to blame. I don't go out of my way to find 'the one' or someone! It just doesn't feel right, but then how would i every know?

Someone to hold you too close
Someone to hurt you too deep
Someone to sit in your chair
To ruin your sleep 
To make you aware
Of being alive

Someone to need you too much
Someone to know you too  well
Someone to pull you up short
To put you through hell
To give you support 
In being alive

Someone you have to let in

Someone whose feelings you spare

Someone who, like it or not

Will want you share

A little, a lot

Someone to crowd you with love

Someone to force you to care

Someone to make you come through

Who'll always be there

As frightened as you

Of being alive

Being alive

Somebody, hold me too close

Somebody hurt me too deep

Somebody, sit in my chair

And ruin my sleep

And make me aware

Of being alive

Being alive

This is one of my all time favorite musical songs 

but until recently i have never looked at the lyrics so closely.

But there so effective.

I want someone to 'put me through hell' because of love. 

To show me to care. 

I want to feel for-filled to be alive. 

We talk and we talk and each time my heart just cries but i hold it in. 

I know

they know how i feel, i tell them all the time. But they aren't me, 

no one else lives in this soul with this heart. 

This scared small child who resides in side me

who hopes one day will be my day. 

That someone will want to share something with.

On the other hand i don't have much time to ponder any of this 

as as i have two essays to write this holiday and am trying to get 

the hardest one day first. This has become exceedingly hard 

for me to handed as i am not the nest at writing, but all i can do is

apply myself and try my best and if that's not enough then that's just it. 

I will have to try again. 

We learn from everything we do, although every so often i have a moment of 

fear that i will fail this essay and dread every minute of something i have

to see my life in a different view

No ones dead

I have an education, which others would die for

Its not the end of the world if something bad happens-it can always be fixed

It doesn't count toward the grade of my overall degree!

Apply myself to this is a detraction to the first topic. 

I am going home in 8 days for the Easter weekend

and i cannot wait to see my friends :) but also just to be with my mum and dad

i feel like i haven't seen them in forever! 

I can tell you know i am looking forward to hopefully having no 

work over the Summer holidays

13 weeks from now! 

Well nothing else on my mind except that Tricia posted a new photo of F today 

and he was learning to swim! getting sooooo big! i keep looking at flights 

and my heart just cries! 

Kisses from Katie xx 

Just NO

Get out of my head
Get off my mind

I don't want to feel like this any minute longer
I don't want to sink deeper into wanting you today

Its been to long
It hurts too much

I wish you were mine
I wish i could tell you how i feel but not scare you at all.
I wish i was a better person, a person you want to be with
But i cant change who i am, and i wont change for anyone.

I'll always be your friend, i'll care for you from afar if that is what i have to do.
I wish that you could just tell me how it is with you.
How you feel about life, what you want...

I know i dont stand anywhere with you
Because i have never full told you how much i want you in my lfe more
I have no right to feel sad
To feel lonley
to feel anything because i just dont, no reason....... just black.

Note to self x

So i saw this image and instantly felt it related to a Friendship i have that is currently growing and learning. I hope this continues to be us. I never want her to feel alone or unwanted. I want her to depend on me when she needs me....always, cause that's what friends are for right..?

I don't know what the future holds but i know that an this girl was brought into my life for amazing reasons and is to be an Angel. I thank each day i know her as a great one. I hope she knows i am always here, i am never far away. 

My dreams i hope she'll live with me too and me with hers. To watch up grow find love and happiness. 

Many of my post have been depressing and about being lonely or loss of want from someone. This in inevitable when you reach your 20's and you have never had anyone, love or want you in your life-that wasn't blood related, or a friend. 

So i think this post i REALLY important. Right now i am lonely at the worst it has ever been, each time i am on my own i think about how nice it would be in that second to text someone and say i am so glad i found you. But i dont have anyone to say that too. 

Then one day if/when i do, I'll treasure it even more. God knows the desires of my heart, i hope one day soon he for fills them, because its starting to break and I don't want it too.

Now the previous photo leads quite nicely to this one. And the blunt statement is that 'IT'S TRUE.' maybe i should try this....

When i am lonely

1. Pray to God this feeling wont last a life time.

2. Find something to be thankful for so i don't wallow in my lonliness. 

3. Keep God in the forfront of my mind, He loves me, He won't fail.

LASTLY

I don't know what my future holds, but i am safe in the knowledge i know whom holds my future. 

X

Thought that swim around my head x

xxx

The tears wont stop
the feeling of losing contol wont stop
I dont know how this happened,
overnight everything seemed to change
a button was pressed
a clog broke in my head

my heads so full it needs to burst
my bodys so tired it cant find sleep

Maybe its just a bad day
bad nightmare
that will all go away

I want my mum
dad
home
bed
country walks
home cooked roast
loving hugs

i dont want to wait anymore
3 more weeks feels like a life time
feels like a mountain i wont be able to climb
something i'll never conquer

I want to share my laughter with someone
like she does
Making her smile effortlessly just because he's their
holding her when she is sad, lost and lonely

I cant complain i have so much to be thankful for
I am not suffering, just lost from time to time

Forward, forward, follow, follow, dont stop just move onwards

BEN HOWARD
Keep your head up, keep your heart strong,
Keep you rhead up, keep your heart strong.