Chapters and End of a Chapter

So it been to long since i wrote, i thought there was nothing to write about bu there is rather a lot!

So lets go back!

May 12th 2012

I walked a Marathon, even now i still can't believe it and don't think its real! But with all the strength and determination in me i did it in 8 & 1/2 hours! If it had taken me twice as long i would have done it! The ending was emotional, tears were in full flow, simply because we did it, we came, we conquered! Next year i am hoping to have a half and Full marathon team made of of people i know from Sussex And Birmingham! Alongside this i also have the Race for Life in a few weeks but to be honest i haven't trained because i am cocky! I walked a marathon 3 miles wont kill me!!

June 8th/9th 2012

7AM! Smile and drink Coffee!! x

Jades 21st!

Imelda & Micheal!! x

Emma, Jade, Kim and I ventured to LONDON! Up at 5am! In London by 9.30am we ventured to Oxford Circus to shop and then a spot of food in Covent Garden where we watched an AWFULLY long magical trick that we thought would get better but it didn't! It was shocking!The after a nap and change we went to Sweeney Todd and with freebies! Dada had managed to get me 4 free seats that were 7 rows from the front! Which was absolutely fantastic and i loved being able to do it for my Best Friend, she deserved the world that day and i hope she felt like she got it, i think/know she did! Then we headed to a bar for some drinks-after an interesting Cab ride! It was a hectic and tiring day but it was great to get out of Birmingham and to just enjoy each other!

Off to the Theatre!

Don't ask me what Kim's looking at!!

Some of my Favorite People!

June 11th-18th 2012

As a Satur on the Left! In the pouring Rain!

Icarus!!!

So this week was the culmination of ALL our HARD WORK! Our children's show and my Project 1; marking the end of my first year at Birmingham School of Acting! CRAZZY STUFF!  We did it come rain (literally!) or come shine! But i wouldn't change it for the world! It was a great experience and shows me how much looking into producing this kind of work is important !

So we work, got wet, cried, laugh, got angry, got happy-all the usual things.

June 24th 2012

My 21st Birthday Vintage Tea Party!

After handing in all my essays Kim, Jade and I headed to Sussex! We spent a few days organizing china and making place names and sweet jars! But on the morning of June 24th was my day! The rain was terrible the gazebo was blowing everywhere! But by the time i surfaced at 8am my parents had secured it and my lovely Dad has made the inside of our house look like palaces with fairy lights and can lights. So i got to work with the girls and mt parents in putting up bunting, setting the tables for the 24 people who were coming for tea!

BUNTING!

Then we did presents! I got the most amazing things. My Mum and Dad had made me Bunting from my old baby clothes! Its AMAZING! And something i will always use and pass on to my children! She had really thought it through as she had Christmas ones and Bunting with summer Patterns on! So this went up in my lounge and made the tea party look amazing!

My Auntie C had also out of my Baby clothes made a blanket! I was speechless at the bunting and this, that someone could make a quilt so beautiful but how big was my wardrobe when i was a child!!

I also got some beautiful Tiffany jewelry, and a Vera Wang photo frame from my god daughter & co.

Opening the Ring.

Quilt that was made for me!

But lastly my Nan, she couldn't be there which made me sad as it was as she would have loved it, but she was too ill. She had sent my aunties with a box, I noticed as i opened it there was no pattern or name of a brand on it but this didn't really make it odd. Then i opened it! And just cried! Was she crazy too! It might be nothing to another person but what she gave me was a piece of jewelary that can tell a hundred stories!

Croquet on the Lawn!

Forever Friends

Me and Dad xx

I admired it a while ago now when we were cleaning some of her Jewellery, i said it was so beautiful and stunning! She told me i could have it when she had passed (this wasn't a very nice thought!). She obviously decided that i could have it soon! Which i love! Also she said that she never wears it so it would go to waste! And i am her only Grand-Daughter! So that was amazing but on top of this it has an amazing story. A long time ago my Nana and Grandad got burgled and this ring was taken! Many months later she saw it in a porn shop! Her rings and she new it was because if the detail and the size fit her! So Grandad bought it again! A second time! He bought it her the first time, the first ring he gave her. This means the most to me, because they were so in love and i know she misses him greatly (he died at Christmas 2000) and i miss him too, so now when wear it and look down at it he's there, all over it and so is she always. I hope one day to tell my children that story, to keep in my family. So they can live on. It beats any gift i have ever had, hands down because its her. This made me wish she was here to see my reaction and to share my Dad but after a cry i but on a brave face, She was with me just not physically today. And soon i will see her.

Ma and me !

So the day carried on with my new Bunting hung and a ring on my finger! The tea was great, we started with Pimms on the Lawn because the Sun had come out! God was defiantly watching! Then tea inside, with cake and sandwiches-I ate so much! Then again outside for games and socializing this soon moved onto a BBQ in the evening and chatting round the fire. A perfect day, with perfect friends, i wish i could re live it all over again. But i have great memories, photos and gifts to do this with.

Vintage Friends x

        

So.....now i am up to date!almost!

I am sat in my Uni room which is soon to be my Old University Room, tomorrow i move out and Sunday i have my new (slightly smaller) room! Its odd i got rather emotional earlier with the thought that this Chapter is coming to a close. Then suddenly i think of what this room has been through with me. The start of meeting someone new (well two people actually) sitting on my bed smiling effortlessly because someone wanted to see me. Face booking well into the night, flirting (badly!) then the heart break that followed, the crying myself to sleep; then waking up hoping the problem would have wondered away! But it didn't and looking back starting at where i sobbed, I'm okay. At the time i wasn't, i jumped further than i had before and for that i am proud. If you read my early blog posts you will see that. I wouldn't change what i did, because i grew, as a person and in confidence. Many nights out have been gotten ready for in here, many fancy dress parties too! I have slogged at essays, cried at essays, cried because i miss people, smiled because i have people. I have lost friends in this room, and made some amazing ones. Its odd i feel more connected to this space, this bedroom than my space at home. I think because i spend so much time here, especially in this room. So much has gone down in here! 

So as i venture forth on the next chapter, the summer! I see the person i was arriving here isn't the person who leaves tomorrow. With many valuable lessons learn't and many futures planned. So i leave with smile in the hope that my next yera will be as jam packed, as fun filled and as testing as this one. 

x

Its been to long!

I haven't written a blog post in forever! Things have been crazy busy the last 5 weeks at University with production rehearsals and essays to be done! Everything is in full swing for my Olympic training as well so i ma enjoying that too! I ahve also walked a Marathon! So more on that in the next post! x

Onwards and upwards

New Goals New heights

Having been home for just a week in the Easter Break somehow have managed to come back with a spurt of confidence and a good outlook. It wasn’t that this wasn’t present last term but I felt very deflated toward the end of term, this may have had something to do with my dyslexia results. All of that is still ongoing but not anything I need worry about at all.

This image is going to be my source, along with a few others this term. I have been to focus on having someone to share my life with that I have been moping around. So time to do things my way and if something or someone turns up so be it. I am not the girl that will go looking for these things, but this term is about me. University is going to take off as I have 4 essays, a show and a marked assessment! And job! So think I won’t be board!

Yesterday I got my pack for the Breast Cancer Moonwalk which is in 4 week and I am walking a marathon of 26.2 miles! I was prepared-I have done little training, but yesterday it became rather over whelming. After a few tears shed I decided it was time to get a grip and use the time I have left wisely! So the goal is to try and walk to and from uni as much as I can which is  5ish miles. Then at least I am racking up about 15 miles a week and then to and from workJ. I want to achieve this so much, and its only now (typically) that I am beginning to worry about but hopefully with a few more miles under my beat and the hype and adrenaline of the night itself I hope I will be alright!

No more worry about being alone or single, just happy to love myself and push onwards!

Easter Holidays

Watching lone lost families on ITV1 and it make me cry for an hour none stop, and subsequently I now have a headache! It makes me think of F and the questions he will one day ask. Who wants to feel unwanted? He isn’t he is loved so much. Yet it will never be nice to be told you could have had a family before you contacted HIV which you mother gave you, after you where born. Yet every babies there I have ever held will ask these question, some will get answers and others wont. As a person who wants to adopt one of these little jems I wonder if I ever will and how hard it maybe to not have given birth to them or have that connect.  Yet at the same time how does the adoptive parent act, because they have every right. But the ITV program as fabricated as it is I think its amazing that after 50 years you can feel something for some you haven’t seen in forever.

On another note about 2 weeks ago I went to Fierce Festival which is a Birmingham Art festival around the city. I went to Trove to see Uninvited Guest performance of a piece they had devised called Love letter from you heart. They were made up of dedications from the audience, mine and Jades (my friend) included. It got me thinking about the future, there is to much i want to do with my life and this makes me think seriously about doing some sort of producing. 

So time for a list of things

1.go back to SA long or short

2.Give 2/3/4 years of my life to Africa

3. teach in SA

4. intern in production

5. have fun, find a guy

6.buy a house

7. get married

8, family? BIG QUESTION

I suppose right now the list isn't to big! But there's time! And i was reminded to that i am only 20. when you say it it means nothing but written down its not all that bad! 

Being Alive.....x

I feel dead inside, i feel lifeless.

unwanted, single person in a double bed.

Not belonging self doubt unloved,

empty,

empty space empty heart just beats away in an empty body.

And i know i only have myself to blame. I don't go out of my way to find 'the one' or someone! It just doesn't feel right, but then how would i every know?

Someone to hold you too close
Someone to hurt you too deep
Someone to sit in your chair
To ruin your sleep 
To make you aware
Of being alive

Someone to need you too much
Someone to know you too  well
Someone to pull you up short
To put you through hell
To give you support 
In being alive

Someone you have to let in

Someone whose feelings you spare

Someone who, like it or not

Will want you share

A little, a lot

Someone to crowd you with love

Someone to force you to care

Someone to make you come through

Who'll always be there

As frightened as you

Of being alive

Being alive

Somebody, hold me too close

Somebody hurt me too deep

Somebody, sit in my chair

And ruin my sleep

And make me aware

Of being alive

Being alive

This is one of my all time favorite musical songs 

but until recently i have never looked at the lyrics so closely.

But there so effective.

I want someone to 'put me through hell' because of love. 

To show me to care. 

I want to feel for-filled to be alive. 

We talk and we talk and each time my heart just cries but i hold it in. 

I know

they know how i feel, i tell them all the time. But they aren't me, 

no one else lives in this soul with this heart. 

This scared small child who resides in side me

who hopes one day will be my day. 

That someone will want to share something with.

On the other hand i don't have much time to ponder any of this 

as as i have two essays to write this holiday and am trying to get 

the hardest one day first. This has become exceedingly hard 

for me to handed as i am not the nest at writing, but all i can do is

apply myself and try my best and if that's not enough then that's just it. 

I will have to try again. 

We learn from everything we do, although every so often i have a moment of 

fear that i will fail this essay and dread every minute of something i have

to see my life in a different view

No ones dead

I have an education, which others would die for

Its not the end of the world if something bad happens-it can always be fixed

It doesn't count toward the grade of my overall degree!

Apply myself to this is a detraction to the first topic. 

I am going home in 8 days for the Easter weekend

and i cannot wait to see my friends :) but also just to be with my mum and dad

i feel like i haven't seen them in forever! 

I can tell you know i am looking forward to hopefully having no 

work over the Summer holidays

13 weeks from now! 

Well nothing else on my mind except that Tricia posted a new photo of F today 

and he was learning to swim! getting sooooo big! i keep looking at flights 

and my heart just cries! 

Kisses from Katie xx 

Just NO

Get out of my head
Get off my mind

I don't want to feel like this any minute longer
I don't want to sink deeper into wanting you today

Its been to long
It hurts too much

I wish you were mine
I wish i could tell you how i feel but not scare you at all.
I wish i was a better person, a person you want to be with
But i cant change who i am, and i wont change for anyone.

I'll always be your friend, i'll care for you from afar if that is what i have to do.
I wish that you could just tell me how it is with you.
How you feel about life, what you want...

I know i dont stand anywhere with you
Because i have never full told you how much i want you in my lfe more
I have no right to feel sad
To feel lonley
to feel anything because i just dont, no reason....... just black.

Note to self x

So i saw this image and instantly felt it related to a Friendship i have that is currently growing and learning. I hope this continues to be us. I never want her to feel alone or unwanted. I want her to depend on me when she needs me....always, cause that's what friends are for right..?

I don't know what the future holds but i know that an this girl was brought into my life for amazing reasons and is to be an Angel. I thank each day i know her as a great one. I hope she knows i am always here, i am never far away. 

My dreams i hope she'll live with me too and me with hers. To watch up grow find love and happiness. 

Many of my post have been depressing and about being lonely or loss of want from someone. This in inevitable when you reach your 20's and you have never had anyone, love or want you in your life-that wasn't blood related, or a friend. 

So i think this post i REALLY important. Right now i am lonely at the worst it has ever been, each time i am on my own i think about how nice it would be in that second to text someone and say i am so glad i found you. But i dont have anyone to say that too. 

Then one day if/when i do, I'll treasure it even more. God knows the desires of my heart, i hope one day soon he for fills them, because its starting to break and I don't want it too.

Now the previous photo leads quite nicely to this one. And the blunt statement is that 'IT'S TRUE.' maybe i should try this....

When i am lonely

1. Pray to God this feeling wont last a life time.

2. Find something to be thankful for so i don't wallow in my lonliness. 

3. Keep God in the forfront of my mind, He loves me, He won't fail.

LASTLY

I don't know what my future holds, but i am safe in the knowledge i know whom holds my future. 

X