Being Alive.....x

I feel dead inside, i feel lifeless.

unwanted, single person in a double bed.

Not belonging self doubt unloved,

empty,

empty space empty heart just beats away in an empty body.

And i know i only have myself to blame. I don't go out of my way to find 'the one' or someone! It just doesn't feel right, but then how would i every know?

Someone to hold you too close
Someone to hurt you too deep
Someone to sit in your chair
To ruin your sleep 
To make you aware
Of being alive

Someone to need you too much
Someone to know you too  well
Someone to pull you up short
To put you through hell
To give you support 
In being alive

Someone you have to let in

Someone whose feelings you spare

Someone who, like it or not

Will want you share

A little, a lot

Someone to crowd you with love

Someone to force you to care

Someone to make you come through

Who'll always be there

As frightened as you

Of being alive

Being alive

Somebody, hold me too close

Somebody hurt me too deep

Somebody, sit in my chair

And ruin my sleep

And make me aware

Of being alive

Being alive

This is one of my all time favorite musical songs 

but until recently i have never looked at the lyrics so closely.

But there so effective.

I want someone to 'put me through hell' because of love. 

To show me to care. 

I want to feel for-filled to be alive. 

We talk and we talk and each time my heart just cries but i hold it in. 

I know

they know how i feel, i tell them all the time. But they aren't me, 

no one else lives in this soul with this heart. 

This scared small child who resides in side me

who hopes one day will be my day. 

That someone will want to share something with.

On the other hand i don't have much time to ponder any of this 

as as i have two essays to write this holiday and am trying to get 

the hardest one day first. This has become exceedingly hard 

for me to handed as i am not the nest at writing, but all i can do is

apply myself and try my best and if that's not enough then that's just it. 

I will have to try again. 

We learn from everything we do, although every so often i have a moment of 

fear that i will fail this essay and dread every minute of something i have

to see my life in a different view

No ones dead

I have an education, which others would die for

Its not the end of the world if something bad happens-it can always be fixed

It doesn't count toward the grade of my overall degree!

Apply myself to this is a detraction to the first topic. 

I am going home in 8 days for the Easter weekend

and i cannot wait to see my friends :) but also just to be with my mum and dad

i feel like i haven't seen them in forever! 

I can tell you know i am looking forward to hopefully having no 

work over the Summer holidays

13 weeks from now! 

Well nothing else on my mind except that Tricia posted a new photo of F today 

and he was learning to swim! getting sooooo big! i keep looking at flights 

and my heart just cries! 

Kisses from Katie xx